La Vuelta Guatemala 2019
The highs and lows of stage racing are polar. Coming into the race last week, i was coming in fresh off a very productive fall training season followed by reunion and rest with my Oklahoma family. I was coming south with high spirits and confidence abounding. I didn’t have expectations, or goals even, but rather came open to whatever happened. I know these trips are always hectic and testing, both physically and mentally, but I also know that those trials teach me about myself and the world.
The first five stages were far from easy, but my friends and teammates were excelling which kept positivity high. My team for the race (Gateway Devo Cycling) was putting rider after rider in positions to win the stages with long-range attacks from Joel, Sean, Ethan, and Myself while Dennis and Bryan stayed to contest the sprints. My teammate Joel Yates won stage 2 and i managed a 2nd place on stage 4. On paper, all was well. Only for me, all was not well.
I had one major hiccup through the first 5 days which was that my 2nd place needed to be a win. I don’t say this in a self pitying way, but rather with a level of certainty that if my body functioned normally, I would’ve come away with a win. I’ve since harbored a level of frustration from something debilitating that came up suddenly and without warning. I had the win in my sights (literally) until the stifling return of my breathing condition i thought was cured. I was alone and in a winning position, but only a few hundred meters from the finish line and my airway closed just as it did almost every race last year. For those of you unaware, last season i was diagnosed with “exercise induced laryngeal spasms/obstruction”. I had attributed the issue predominantly to stress and anxiety which is why the issue was non-existent this entire season. This season, i reconnected with my love of the sport without the pressures to perform; so no more problems, right? I still don’t feel anxious or any sort of pressure to perform, so why was this debilitating issue returning now?
Stage 7 was a hilly circuit at high altitude and i was quickly put into survival mode. When i have previously complained about my breathing, i would always have people tell me things like “its a hard race, nobody can breathe”.. that’s why I almost never complain about it or bring it up, because people usually don’t understand which makes me feel like a crazy person. On stage 7, my breathing was the worst its been in over a year and I simply lost my drive to fight. 4 days prior, i was on the podium… now I couldn’t ride with the worst riders in the race. Rider after rider would “drop” me which sent me down in a spiral of negative thoughts. I finished the day knowing I had some brainstorming to do, but i lived to fight another day.
Unfortunately, to add insult to injury, that evening my stomach took a turn for the worse. I couldn’t eat dinner or breakfast the next morning, which left me empty at the start of an extremely mountainous stage 8. I lost contact with the peloton immediately and rode by myself for 40km until i called it quits. I don’t quite know how or why shit hit the fan so suddenly, but that’s what happened and this is my way of venting and moving on. I’m writing about my shortcomings because that’s what transparency is and how healing starts for me.
This is the nature of these races. They’re testing in every way possible and are not forgiving. I haven’t been able to eat a proper meal in two days, but we’re headed back to the big city now, so maybe ill be able to find some food that sounds appetizing there. I know I’ll bounce back and be my old self in a few days. I still have a lot of races coming. I’ll be spending about two weeks in Guatemala City before Julio and I road trip down to Panama for the next stage race. I’m thinking my breathing issues could be connected to my bike fit (I’m racing on the bike i raced in 2018 when my breathing issues were at their worst). The down-time in Guatemala City will buy me some time to tinker with my bike fit and hopefully work some kinks out to help relax me on the bike and limit future breathing struggles. I’m down and out for the this one, but resilience is the name of the game. At the end of the day, i came down here to learn and grow… this temporary suffering is forcing me to do just that. I’m not saying that I’m happy to be riding in this van right now, I would much rather be racing my bike.. but it’s not the end of the world.. I’ll be back on a start line in Panama before i know it. The cycle continues
