Anxiety vs Gratitude

Over the past couple of years I’ve come to realize that I’m an anxious person. This might come as shocker to a lot of people, but being open and honest about these things will hopefully help other people struggling. Last spring was really the first time I felt anxiety become physically restrictive which leads me to believe I haven’t really had to deal with it all that long. I’m just now learning to confront it and cope with it. I actually look back on some of the crazy adventures and life decisions I’ve made and wonder how I could be so whimsical in the face of so much potential disaster. On paper, it’s an easy answer… It was nothing more than POTENTIAL disaster. But in actuality, I’m beginning to understand why people always looked at me like I was insane when I would talk about my adventures (life). Did I worry about things? Sure.. but I never had any doubt that things would work out one way or another. Sometimes I wonder where that universal trust in the world went. It didn’t feel like a false sense of security… it felt like authentic peace of mind.

I grew up as a happy-go-lucky kid from a loving home and all the security in the world. I was raised being told I was loved no matter what; by my family and God. So while success was generally the plan, failure never frightened me all that much because I knew I’d be loved regardless. It truly is a nice sentiment and I’m forever grateful for it, but it’s no wonder that a significant percentage of high achievers throughout history have had strikingly different, and less forgiving, upbringings. If love is what you’re fighting for, failure truly isn’t an option and that seems to be ultimately motivating. But now I’ve invested my life and my love into something where (from a performance standpoint) failure is a legitimate, and even probable, option. On top of that, the outcome is completely on my conscious and is mine to own. Now the problem that seems to be plaguing my generation comes into play… the ability to love yourself regardless of success of failure.

Fear of failure is paralyzing because it rocks your ability to justify the way you’ve spent your time, your money, and your love. That is the insecurity that shakes me to my core. Not only that, it is extremely easy to fall into the mindset of basing your self-worth off of your performances as an athlete. It is a constant and conscious fight to ward off those mindsets and turn them into something more productive and positive. The “you only live once” mentality is both a blessing and a curse. It’s paradoxically motivating and paralyzing at the same time. The enneagram has labeled me a “7”. I have a fear of missing out engrained into my psyche, but not in the surface-level fantasy world of social media. I go through seasons of fear that I’m spending my life doing something wholeheartedly and I end up failing. Sometimes it feels like all my eggs are in one basket and that basket’s handle is about to break. That’s where mindset comes into play heavily. I come to realize that I would rather live passionately and wholeheartedly pursue something regardless of the outcome than risk wasting my life away chasing the approval and securities which society tells you are necessities. I’ll gladly live in my truck and give up luxuries if that’s what it takes to live the life I feel I’m supposed to be living. Something deep inside of me won’t let me live a life of just going through the motions.

I’m typing this just after dark and in the middle of a thunderstorm. The rain droplets are pinging on the metal roof of my camper. I’m parked and getting ready to go to sleep in the parking lot at the Olympic Training Center in Colorado Springs. I’ve somehow weaseled my way into a track cycling prep-camp for the Pan-American Games which is the beginning of the end of preparatory events leading into the Tokyo Olympics. The stakes are high, the morale is wavering, and my anxiety is the highest it’s been in months. I spent the majority of this season racing on the road with my heart on my sleeve. I had nothing to lose and everything to prove. Once I made a decision to divert and devote myself to track cycling, the stakes were suddenly higher and I suddenly have something to lose. The opportunity cost of racing on the track has been ever-present in my mind.

The track cycling timeline-for-success is two fold. The 2020 Tokyo Olympics are at the forefront, but making it onto the national team and competing at the international level with Stars and Stripes on my back has been a goal of mine ever since I was a kid. With every passing week and every bad day on the bike, my chances of competing at the Tokyo Games are slipping out of my grasp. Some days I get fired up and have a good day on the bike and convince myself the fight isn’t futile, but more and more lately I’ve been struggling to hold my own on the track. I’ve recently come to the conclusion that I’m over trained and have been for quite some time. This training camp, I’ve seen significant improvements in my technical skills but significant drop offs in my strength and fitness components. Rest is what I need and with such a short timeline, days off seem counterproductive.. but that is what I need and hopefully I can put together something special at the next training camp in August. That will be my last ditch effort to “prove my worth” if you will. That camp could bring my track aspirations to a temporary end or could be the start of something big. It was a tall order to begin with to take up a new sport in May and master it in just a few months.. but with that said, Tokyo isn’t my end regardless. The national team will be significantly restructuring after the Tokyo Games and that could realistically be my “in”. The World Cup season is the annual crown jewel of track cycling races and are significant components in the next big build into the 2024 Olympic Games in Paris.

I’ve caught the bug. I’ve had a little taste of this life and I trust that with a dedicated and systematic approach to training I could have a realistic shot at making the Olympic Team in 2024. Regardless of the outcome though, I’m sure the pursuit of that goal will be full of growth and struggle and adventures of a lifetime.

The anxiety I’ll surely run into along the way will be fought with the most effective tool I’ve found – gratitude. I’m constantly reminded that this life, this lifestyle, and these pursuits are far from ordinary. I’m grateful for the extraordinary. I’m grateful for the extraordinary amount of love and support I have gotten from my friends and family. I’m grateful for my health and have come to realize just how vital that is. I’m grateful for the physical, mental, and spiritual growth life has gifted me. I’m grateful for the highs and the lows and every breath in between. I’m grateful for every single person who has ever encouraged me, housed me, given me time, given me money, or invested in my growth in any way (knowingly or not). With my focus on gratitude and growth, life stays beautiful and the train seems to stay on the tracks; though i really think that’s another outcome of a balanced and wholistic perspective. The pursuit of performance gains stays important but is clearly not everything. Whether or not you believe in prayer, it has been a crucial tool to help me maintain a mindset of thankfulness and gratitude. Acknowledging how much you have to be thankful for shouldn’t be an annual exercise every November. I have found gratitude to be the ultimate combatant of my depression, anxiety, and insecurity. It can’t just be an “every now and again” idea… It needs to be a state of being.

I’m coming to the close of a heavy dose of track racing and training that has humbled me and gifted me a national title. It has shown me highs and lows in such a short amount of time. It has given me a new community to be a part of and a new vision of what could be. I’m learning to let go of my preconceived notions of what my cycling journey should look like. I’m not entirely sure what my future holds, but I trust that I’ll look back on this jump-off-the-deep-end with a smile and that same “what was I thinking?!” hindsight. I don’t regret and thing and I’m grateful for everyone who has helped smooth out my transition into this new world. Even typing all of this out has given me a new appreciation of how far I’ve come and how much I’ve grown in such a short time. The acknowledgment of those things gives me butterfly’s (the good kind) in my stomach about the adventures ahead.

Thank you all for being a part of this journey and I’ll do my best to keep updating you on my latest adventures.