“Overchoice” and the Scarcity of Time

American Culture thrives on freedom of choice. It is what created the so called “American Dream”. It is the baseline and heartbeat of a capitalistic and democratic society. At the risk of sounding like a pessimist (gasp) the reality is that with every passing day I’m watching more and more of my “dreamer” friends (I too fall into this category) become plagued by “overchoice”. I wouldn’t go as far to say we have too much freedom, but many of us seem to share this inability to choose any one option over another. The opportunity cost of one path often seems to outweigh the path itself which causes a paralysis caused by an over-abundance of opportunity. (First world problems, I know)

Because of the society we grew up in, so many of us were told that cliché of “you can do anything you set your mind to”. For the longest time I viewed that as one of my most tangible expressions of freedom… one of the most beautiful statements ever spoken. I’m proud to live in a world where dreamers can dream and fight to see those dreams realized. I would argue that a large chunk of my “adult” life has been a product of these sentiments. But the older I get, the more I seem to get stuck in quicksand. I have chosen and am chasing my dream of being a professional bike racer. I can’t stress enough how grateful I am for the life I’ve been given and the freedom to fight for the life I want to live… but why does the freedom to dream often result in my inability to truly dedicate myself to a single journey for the sake of mastery and productivity? Living with my head in the clouds is often a form of escape I use to distract myself from the ups and downs of reality.

I noticed a trend a while back that I have a tendency to give up when the going gets tough… I often times would justify quitting using the cliché of “one door closes, another one opens”. In a way, I used my idea of God to compensate for my lack of persistence, and often viewed difficult circumstances as God’s way of “closing the door” thus pushing me to do something else.. I played a plethora of different sports growing up, and once I reached the age/level where it was competitive enough to need tryouts, I rarely made the team. But instead of that pushing me to work harder or find out what it might take to be successful, I would just quit move on to another sport; door closed. I continually settled for meteiocrity in discipline after discipline and gave up whenever I felt like the going was getting tough… I’m not sure anyone has ever found success without at least some level of persistence, determination, and dedication. I can’t be too hard on my teenage self though.. eventually I found a passion worth fighting for: CYCLING. Now I wonder if that conclusion was an effect of some sort of maturation or if simply letting time pass can cause cause life-altering revelations.

I’ve given the past 4 years of my life to a wholehearted pursuit of cycling. There have been extreme highs and lows, and I’ve learned more about mastery, persistence, and sacrifice than I ever could’ve imagined. Cycling has been so consuming that I can’t imagine my life any other way in hindsight. But looking forward is a whole different game. Over the past few years, I have been increasingly inquisitive about philosophy and theology, which has kind of come to a head with the idea of the scarcity of time. Combining the freedom I’ve been gifted, the scarcity of time, and an endless combination of decisions, choices, and dreams, I have come to find myself seemingly paralyzed.

I sometimes lay in bed at night with my eyes wide open thinking intensely about where my life could go. I dream day and night about the possibilities of different lives I could live. I could see myself continuing to pursue bike racing (in what capacity, exactly, is just another hurdle I have yet to overcome) and my olympic dream, but I also become frequently inspired by the wholehearted pursuits of others towards their various dreams and passions. I’d never really thought of inspiration as a negative before, but I can’t help but think about what could happen if I redirected myself wholeheartedly down a different path; like a more traditional career complete with family and a differing level of perceived stability versus continuing a life where I avoid “real” jobs and live poor and passionately wherever the wind blows me. My cycling “career” won’t last forever and could end, frankly, at any given moment. And when that happens, what comes next?

The older I get, the more cynical I get about chasing this dream, and I can’t help but think about my future beyond being a homeless bachelor who rides his bike all day while essentially living off of the charity of others. (That’s a harsh way to look at it, I know, but it would be disshonest if I didn’t disclose the ways I sometimes feel). I wonder what it would be like to have more constant income and maybe find a partner and raise a family and “settle down” a bit, but I honestly can’t fathom commiting to just about anything or anybody. I wonder what it would be like to dive headfirst into another potential hobby/passion like skiing or rock climbing or even sailing. I throw around the idea of moving to places like Montana or Washington for a little change of pace. I’ve considered everything from moving back to Texas or even moving to France or Australia to continue racing… or even just for fun. I’ve thought about making strides towards becoming a lawyer, a search-and-rescue paramedic, or a journalist; each would require a significant period of schooling (commitment). I’ve considered a life in public service or humanitarian aid to the corners of the world where simply staying alive is the primary struggle. In contrast, I’ve also dreamt of a quiet life of solitude on a farm or ranch somewhere in the American West. I could go on and on and on rambling about directions I’ve thought about going… the point being I can’t make up my damn mind about literally anything.

I don’t really feel like I’m in a rut with cycling.. in fact, I feel more in love with riding my bike than ever. But the traditional idea of success in road racing always leads to europe and I’m no longer certain if that idea of success is what I’m actually striving towards or if choosing an alternate path in the sport is a sort of consolation or concession. Increasingly, I see shimmers of a life beyond the bike and wonder what could be. “Overchoice” is an economic and psychological concept of decision paralysis based on having too much freedom and too many options to choose from. I’m sure this is nothing new… but I feel like in the ages of social media, the internet, and increasing information about literally everything, the world is increasingly our oyster. If we set our minds to it, we can go anywhere and do anything; which begs the question… what do I actually want out of this life and how does that align with what the world needs? There’s an opportunity cost to it all. And some paths are “point-of-no-return” types where they seem to close more doors than they open. There is only so much time in the day, and with only one life to live I’m inclined to want to do everything. The freedom is inspiring, no doubt… but it’s also terrifying. Every decision and every action seems to have more gravity now.

This realization hasn’t been all depressing and paralyzing, it has also been overwhelmingly motivating and inspiring. It’s one of the reasons I’ve been persistent in my pursuit of my cycling dreams and had a prolonged season of joy-filled days overwhelmed by gratitude that I get to do what I do and be with the people I’m with. It has also led me to where I am right now: with friends new and old in Guatemala City. I still don’t have a flight home, but I recon that time will come sometime between Christmas and New Years. But then what? What is next?

Just a few days ago it was announced that our US Team Pursuit Team missed the mark to qualify for the Tokyo Olympics, so if I want to continue to pursue my Olympic dream, it will essentially be a 5-year commitment. (That’s not to assume I was a probable candidate for the team even if we did qualify for the 2020 games, but now we’ll never know). Who knows where the heck I’ll be in 5 months… I honestly can’t even fathom 5 years. I don’t want this to just be a rant about how tragic this all is because like I said before, my life up to this point has been beautiful and I’m grateful for every failure as much as every success and opportunity. I’ve grown in my certainty that the redemptive nature of everything isn’t going flip on its head to become perpetually destructive all of a sudden.. I have faith in a God who has put this world in motion to be redeeming at it’s core. I have faith that wherever I go and whatever I do with love in my heart and light in my soul will be of service to this beautiful but broken world.. and as beautiful as that sentiment is, it doesn’t give me answers about the long-game. On the good days it fills me with hope and wonder and inspiration about the grand possibilities, and on the bad days it paralyzes me and makes my feet feel stuck in the mud; preventing me from taking even a single step forward down a new path. Time feels too scarce, and life too abundantly beautiful, to just let it all pass without direction.

There are a million lives I want to live
How can I choose just one

There are a million people i want to be
How can I be just one

There are a million things I want to do
How can I do just some